I Had No Idea My Child Was This Exceptional

I about had a heart attack when I received a notice in my son’s backpack declaring that, because he tested so highly on his CRT’s (not sure what that stands for exactly), he is eligible for the Gifted and Exceptional Student Program.  Bear in mind that this notice was marked “Third and Final Notification”, which means that my son’s backpack ate the last two notices, and that the paper was wrapped around a dirty sock that he was carrying around in his bag.

This is the same child that got worked up about doing a Science Fair project last year.  He was so excited that I honestly believed that some fabulous teacher had finally sparked an interest where one didn’t exist previously, and so I rushed out and bought stick on letters, poster-board and other stuff totaling $35 earmarked for “higher education.”  We worked on the project for a couple of nights before my husband casually asked his son why he was so excited about doing the Science Fair this year.  Our son beamed from ear to ear and said, “Because my teacher promised us a 2-litre bottle of any soda we want if we enter the Science Fair.”  My husband laughed and said, “I’ll buy you any soda you want, you don’t need your teacher to buy it for you.”  Needless to say, we didn’t enter a project that year because his interest evaporated faster than a bottle of Root-beer.

But if the school thinks he’s exceptional, then who am I to disagree?  The questionnaire simply asked me to site specific examples of times when my son showed an unusual affinity or enthusiasm for an academic project that was unusual for his age.  It gave examples such as, “has your child gotten so involved with a project that he gives up other pleasures in order to work on it?”  Unless you count the time that he sat through the entire Lord of the Rings Trilogy without so much as a bathroom break, I couldn’t think of an example.  As a matter of a fact, I couldn’t come up with any examples for any of the questions asked.  The bottom line is that my kid isn’t gifted.  He’s just a typical kid with a strong competitive streak.  If you turn it into a competition, then he wants to win—and tests are just competitions.

I thought about lying to the school.   I daydreamed about hanging out with the other football moms and casually mentioning a few thousand times that, not only did my son just make that amazing tackle, but he’s also an exceptionally gifted student.  I’ve never had anything to brag about in the circle of moms before.  They brag and I’m generally left to tell some ridiculous story about how I ended up in the emergency room after my brilliant offspring engaged in a “rock fight” and had to have $695 worth of stitches.  

I almost did it.  I almost made up a few phenomenal stories, but I just couldn’t do it.  We are boringly normal.  I don’t need CRT tests to tell me that.

Advice From An Unreliable Source

I was told by a well-meaning friend that, if I want to drive more traffic to my obscure and seldom read blog, that I need to add practical content.  Apparently, my rants about motherhood and cleaning out the trash compactor (which was seriously going to be my topic for the day) aren’t helpful in any way.  If I really want readership, then I have to give usable advice—a terrifying prospect considering the fact that my advice is sketchy at best.  But, thankfully, I write on the internet where all content is questionable and generally begins with, “I read somewhere,” rather than citing a credible source.  So I’m going to jump into the advice pool with both feet and the warning that following said advice could leave you wet.

Things you should do in September:

1.      Stock up on school supplies—but make sure you hide them on the top shelf.  It’s true that pens, paper, notebooks and even staplers are the cheapest they’re going to get this time of year.  The problem with stocking up is that my kids will burn through all those supplies until we’re left digging under couch cushions for broken pencils before spring break.  So you have to hide them and ration them like a communist with cheese.

2.      Buy plants because you know that they’re going to die.  I’m just like you.  I lose interest in my yard by the time school buses start circling the suburbs.  I have to start bribing my kids to water the plants and I have to threaten horrible repercussions if they don’t mow the lawn before the cats are unable to make it back to the house.  That’s probably why half of my expensive spring shrub and flower purchases are now dead.  If I were you I’d stock up in the fall when nurseries and Kmart mark down the plants by 80%.  Plant twice as many for half the price and by this time next year, you’ll have the same yard and half the price (assuming half die).

3.      Give up on having a date night until November.  Summer dries up my flower beds, my cuticles and my date nights.  We’re surrounded by children, projects, and family reunions that just don’t let up.  So, I’m always super-excited when the kids start school because I think that I’m going to get back my date nights once the routine shakes out.  Wrong-o!  Fall brings sports, which breeds practices, which spawn jam-packed nights.  If you don’t have kids in sports, then you have the televised variety—which is just as destructive to date nights.  Do yourself a favor and give up.  Plan a date night in November when his favorite team is out of the playoffs and your kids have moved on to writing out their Christmas lists.  You can guilt him into taking you to one of those award-winning films that you love by reminding him that you haven’t had a date since May.  It’s a total win.

So tell me.  How’d I do with the advice?  I probably had better research “usable advice” before you answer.