Reflections on My Birthday--What I Know For Sure

I recently got the opportunity to celebrate my birthday with my family. Apparently they were more excited than I was about turning a year older, but the experience taught me some things and reminded me of others. Here’s what I learned after driving, shopping and sitting with my family for four hours in a row.


1. Children should never be left alone in the car—even if they are old enough to unlock doors and too old to sit in car-seats. Once they are left alone in a car, they will find something to amuse themselves and I guarantee it won’t amuse you and will result in a broken console lid.

2. Children shouldn’t be allowed to wait outside the car while your husband runs into the store to exchange something. They will run in circles in a crowded parking lot and other drivers will beep their horns at you. On the upside, the presence of crazed children generally deters drivers from choosing your row for parking.

3. Children shouldn’t be allowed to ride in your car unless you ultimately plan to turn it into a cargo-carrier, police car or other vehicle that doesn’t require upholstered seats, door handles or windows that roll up.

4. Children shouldn’t be allowed in stores containing adult-only sizes or merchandise that does not appeal to a child on some level. If you take them into such a store, you will find your daughter behind a clothing rack standing on top of your son screaming at him to “cry uncle.”

5. Children under the age of five have no business being in a movie theater. Granted, my children are all past that age but it doesn’t stop other well-meaning parents from thinking that it’s a good idea to take a two and three-year-old to an animated film. Little kids can’t sit still, eat anything chocolate without spreading it everywhere within a three foot radius, or need to go pee less than four times an hour. They also tend to scream “Don’t touch me Daddy!” repeatedly when a parent tries to contain them in a big theater seat.

6. Children do not deserve a single bite of your birthday cake. They will tell you it’s gross and complain about the variety you chose, assuming that their opinion mattered when picking out your birthday cake. Let them it leftover nuggets and stale Oreos.

7. Don’t plan a tryst with your husband unless your are absolutely, positively sure that your children are asleep and your bedroom door is locked. That is not the best time to discover that your door has been broken and the knob just spins in circles.