We are exactly one day into summer vacation and I’m already feeling completely insane. My children are draining me like a jumbo jug of KoolAid on a hot summer day. They bombard me the minute I walk into the house with demands for new summer clothes and jobs that I’m willing to pay roughly four-times the going rate so that they can earn some money. They want me to buy them brand-name shorts and shoes at the same time that they want to be paid $15 to mow my pathetically small lawn and $25 to wash my car without the benefit of drying it or cleaning up the soap bucket.
The house is a wreck and my kids are allergic to vacuum cleaners and feather dusters. Today the cat followed me around the house meowing incessantly, and driving me further up the wall until I realized that she hasn’t had any food for the past two days. When I confronted my children about it, they spent 20 minutes arguing about whose job filling the cat dish belonged to—and I wound up having to feed her. I wonder if it was easier to get children to help out when you could credibly say, “If you don’t help me can these vegetables then we’re going to starve over the winter.” My kids can’t even fathom starving—let alone opening the freezer to find that we’re out of Popsicles.
Still, I think the role of motherhood is destined to send us all to the Looney-bin and summer is a crash course. Ever since I gave birth to my first child I began thinking irrational thoughts such as, “Wouldn’t it be easier to find work as a parole officer?” I’ve also considered entering a convent or becoming a roadie for Guns ‘n Roses—they just seem like more productive career paths than trying to get a two-year-old to pee in a toilet consistently. I’m also tired of feeling invisible (selectively invisible is more accurate) because my kids can see me fine when they need money or a ride to the movies, but they can’t see me or hear me when I repeatedly call them for dinner or ask them to unload the dishwasher. If I’m asking for help then I might as well be yelling into the wind for all the good it will do me.
So, I’m working on my list of summer survival tips. Please feel free to add to the list—I’m sure you’re a much savvier mommy than I am.
1. Hiding underwater at the bottom of the pool works just as well for moms as it does for kids.
2. Keep the Popsicles in the freezer in the garage—then you can just scoop up all the wrappers on trash day rather than having to deal with them every single day of the week.
3. Chore charts are complete garbage—they’re useless and they will do more to make you crazy than they will to get your kids to help out.
4. Pioneer children ran around barefoot so it can’t possibly hurt your kids to do the same—especially once they’ve lost their third pair of sandals this summer.
5. It’s okay to sign your kid up for summer soccer camp even if it’s going to be 105 degrees every day—just think of it as a mommy-cation.
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