I Have to Have It!

I had a friend tell me that a certain pop-star’s songs “make you want to have sex.” I’m not sure I agree since pop songs generally make me want to exercise which is why I tend to listen to moody alternative music—don’t want to be tempted to spend valuable time trying to walk off the cellulite that has taken up residence on my behind and refuses to relocate.


I haven’t quite figured out what makes me want to have sex, but I do know that Ebay makes me want to fill my cupboards with things like stainless steel manual juicers (the closest I come to “juicing” anything is to squeeze my lemon slice into my water at a restaurant), and ice cream makers. As I browse, I start to covet items that I didn’t even know existed like a blue-tooth headset that looks like a butterfly has landed on your ear, or a set of vintage Madonna-themed button covers. I’ve contemplated purchasing a circa-1950 apron with ruffles and book ends that look like they’re about to crush a little man. Judging by the vast amounts of items offered on the website, I can’t be the only person who makes regrettable purchasing decisions in the middle of the night. I’m pretty sure this explains the phenomena of Nascar collector plates, Beanie Babies, and the Coca-Cola bears—sleep deprivation is haunting, epidemic, and filling our bookcases with junk we have to dust.

My children tend to be influenced by the commercials during Sponge Bob episodes. I’ve had toddlers dissolve into tears over Moon-Sand (like I’m going to let them turn the bathtub into a sandbox), and had overhead light fixtures broken by “easy-to-operate” helicopters. For his birthday this year my son asked for red contacts to make his eyes look cool. Obviously he hasn’t thought about the logistics here since his eyes water every time he comes into my bathroom while I’m putting in my contacts and I’m pretty sure that glowing vampire eyes are against the elementary school dress code.

My husband positively rubber-necks anytime we drive by a home-improvement store, so the always-on Do-It-Yourself-Network is his great tempter. Thanks to the lure of the remodel, every kitchen cabinet in my home has been moved at least once, every wall has been painted, and we no longer have any space left in our fuse box thanks to all the new custom lighting.

While I admit to making bad spur-of-the-moment purchasing decisions (I guess we really didn’t need 30 plastic cups just because they were on clearance), I consider myself lucky. After all, I don’t have so much extra stuff that I need a storage unit—at least not yet. Have you watched these shows on hoarders? I’m nauseated and fascinated all at the same time.

But it does make you wonder, if you could live in a bubble without outside influences, what could you live without? Probably a lot. But then I wonder, if I didn’t have anyone telling me what was pretty or useful or necessary, how would I know what I like? Because, for better or for worse, I purchase things for a variety of reasons but usually it’s so that I “fit in.” Which means that I should really reconsider the ruffled apron and the Madonna button-covers.