It’s true. I hate parenting. Don’t get me wrong, I love my kids. I think they are interesting, complicated and sometimes even brilliant. But parenting is my second least favorite task—right behind housework. I don’t believe my mom felt this way. She’s a super-parent to this day, creating three square meals for her husband and grandchildren followed by baths in clean bathrooms and stories at bedtime. She still makes chocolate milk and plays Barbie dolls. My mom gave me driving lessons and woke up with me at 5:30 in the morning to make sure that I got homework done and made it to school on time. And most mornings I got the kinds of breakfasts that my kids only see if we’re traveling and we stop at Denny’s. So why didn’t her super-parenting skills rub off on me?
The answer is complicated and largely illusive. I know that I want the same things for my kids that my mom wanted for us. I want my kids to be independent and productive. I want them to play and dream for as long as possible before they have to worry about adult things. I want them to think for themselves and care about others. My mother instilled all these things in us by helping us with homework, taking us to Girl Scouts, and encouraging us to get jobs in High School. My method is somewhat different, and completely untested since my kids are still at home. As a working mom, I only have a few hours a day with my kids so they are responsible to get their homework done before I get home. Again, because of scheduling constraints, my kids get to pick a single extracurricular activity at a time and the youngest is only allowed to participate if she begs me to do it. I put constraints on them remotely in the form of computer and television locks and assigned times when they are allowed to have screen time, and I check the Net Nanny reports daily. In essence, I give them a lot of control over their schedule, but I monitor them to make sure that the schedule doesn’t get out of control.
When it comes to time with my children, I prefer an activity that all of us can participate in together such as swimming or taking a bike ride. One on one time is usually available only in the car when I’m running somewhere. I still do tuck-ins but the bedtime story is read by my second grader because he needs the practice more than I do. I tell myself that everything I do, like rejoicing when a child can pour his own milk, is because I want my children to be independent. That is the ultimate goal after all, to produce productive adults who can function well in the world. But, if I’m being completely honest, I push my children to do things on their own because I don’t like to play Barbie’s or read bedtime stories. I’ve never enjoyed dropping down on the carpet to play with cars or creating elaborate art projects with my children.
Another reason I don’t like parenting is that I don’t like disciplining and I have to do a lot of it. My kids fight just as much as anyone else’s. They squabble and complain, they cry and they mentally torture each other. I try to pick my battles, but sometimes it’s just too much and I even have a husband who is a helpful parent. I can’t imagine trying to do it all on my own. Carrying out the discipline also tends to punish me more than it does my children. If I take away the cell phone then I have to put up with answering all the friend calls on the home line. If I take away a toy or an activity, my kids will follow me around asking for jobs they can do to earn their toy back—then I have to think up stuff I want them to do. My friend says that it gets worse when they are old enough to drive because you have to take their car away and then you get to take them everywhere they used to be able to drive themselves.
I don’t like the pressure we have as parents these days either. If you watch morning news you get multiple parenting, cooking, and safety tips before you’ve gotten the kids out the door for school in the morning. We should worry about strangers, salmonella, H1N1, bullies, and the weight of our kids backpacks. We need to fight to save music and physical education programs and we should join the PTA. And in between worrying about everything we need to do for our kids, we generally have to worry about our careers, our marriages, and wrinkles as well. I’m sure that other generations of women worried, but I think we’re unique to have the media reminding us how many things there are available to be concerned about.
I add my final reason rather sheepishly. I don’t like parenting because it takes time away from me that I could be using to do the things I want to do. This sounds selfish because it probably is. I’ve heard all the arguments, “childhood doesn’t last forever,” and “they’re only little for a little while.” And I completely agree, but just like my kids, I have unrealized dreams and goals that will remain unfulfilled unless I find time to work on them. So I’d rather not have to spend my evenings telling my boys to quit wrestling like bear cubs in the kitchen or asking them to make their bed for the nineteenth time that day, not when I could be doing something productive for me.
Only time will tell if hating parenting makes me a bad parent, but hating housework hasn’t produced any ridiculously negative results so I’m hopeful. The one thing I know is that I love my kids and I never have any trouble taking the time to let them know that.
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