Advice From An Unreliable Source

I was told by a well-meaning friend that, if I want to drive more traffic to my obscure and seldom read blog, that I need to add practical content.  Apparently, my rants about motherhood and cleaning out the trash compactor (which was seriously going to be my topic for the day) aren’t helpful in any way.  If I really want readership, then I have to give usable advice—a terrifying prospect considering the fact that my advice is sketchy at best.  But, thankfully, I write on the internet where all content is questionable and generally begins with, “I read somewhere,” rather than citing a credible source.  So I’m going to jump into the advice pool with both feet and the warning that following said advice could leave you wet.

Things you should do in September:

1.      Stock up on school supplies—but make sure you hide them on the top shelf.  It’s true that pens, paper, notebooks and even staplers are the cheapest they’re going to get this time of year.  The problem with stocking up is that my kids will burn through all those supplies until we’re left digging under couch cushions for broken pencils before spring break.  So you have to hide them and ration them like a communist with cheese.

2.      Buy plants because you know that they’re going to die.  I’m just like you.  I lose interest in my yard by the time school buses start circling the suburbs.  I have to start bribing my kids to water the plants and I have to threaten horrible repercussions if they don’t mow the lawn before the cats are unable to make it back to the house.  That’s probably why half of my expensive spring shrub and flower purchases are now dead.  If I were you I’d stock up in the fall when nurseries and Kmart mark down the plants by 80%.  Plant twice as many for half the price and by this time next year, you’ll have the same yard and half the price (assuming half die).

3.      Give up on having a date night until November.  Summer dries up my flower beds, my cuticles and my date nights.  We’re surrounded by children, projects, and family reunions that just don’t let up.  So, I’m always super-excited when the kids start school because I think that I’m going to get back my date nights once the routine shakes out.  Wrong-o!  Fall brings sports, which breeds practices, which spawn jam-packed nights.  If you don’t have kids in sports, then you have the televised variety—which is just as destructive to date nights.  Do yourself a favor and give up.  Plan a date night in November when his favorite team is out of the playoffs and your kids have moved on to writing out their Christmas lists.  You can guilt him into taking you to one of those award-winning films that you love by reminding him that you haven’t had a date since May.  It’s a total win.

So tell me.  How’d I do with the advice?  I probably had better research “usable advice” before you answer.