Costumes Behaving Badly

We had our annual Halloween party which is really just an excuse to pretend we’re all ten-years-old again. We get to dress up, act completely childish and eat regrettable food. The only reason we bring our kids along is so that we can pretend that we’re doing it all for them—but we’re not. Unlike politicians, we need an excuse to behave badly—without a wardrobe malfunction.


It’s hard to maintain your decorum when practically every costume is manufactured to fit a small lap dog rather than an actual woman. I’m not sure if a police officer could run down a criminal in a mini-skirt or what the general liability insurance would run on a nursing home facility if their nurses wore garter belts and fishnet stockings, but I’m pretty sure no one would mistake you for an actual officer of the law in the getups they sell these days. I don’t recall having any sexual thoughts whatsoever when Johnny Depp wore a floppy hat and orange frizzed-out hair, but that didn’t stop costume manufacturers from putting a sexy spin on the (let’s be honest) creepy Mad Hatter. All of the costumes include stripper heels or, if you’re the undead, stripper boots. The possibilities are endless. You can be a slutty anything—from beer mug to Tin Man and everything in between. But I’m not a fan of spending the entire night standing for fear that your skirt will turn into a tube top if you sit down.

Whatever happened to the clever costume? I realize that, like all holidays, Halloween has been kidnapped by retail stores to be regurgitated as a shiny holiday where you’re required to string up lights and purchase themed dinnerware, but I miss the old days. I miss spending all summer dreaming up the costume that no one else would have—instead of one that no one else would dare wear for fear of an indecent exposure conviction.

Our town featured a zombie walk this year and I happened to be driving by as they made their way up the road. It was the first time all season that I really smiled. Finally—women dressed in gross out costumes that showed ingenuity instead of cleavage. I particularly liked the zombie Lucille Ball balancing a worm infested pie on one hand as she sauntered down the street. Perhaps next year I’ll participate. Any suggestions for my undead impersonation?