Where Vacuums Go To Die

My closet is filled with vacuums. I have to keep them all because I don’t have a single vacuum with all running parts. One of them works for floors, but it can’t be turned off because there’s a short in the on-switch. I had to superglue it otherwise you have to hold the button down with one finger and push the vacuum around with your other hand. It made for a pilates-style workout but I can’t get my kids to try it.


My other vacuum won’t do floors because my kids tried bouncing it down the stairs claiming that the unit was too heavy to actually carry so the bottom broke off. When I questioned my kids about it they claimed that they had no idea that the plastic bottom could break like that. I’m not sure what schools are teaching these days but I’m scared. This vacuum naturally has the only functioning hose unit for crevices and cat-hair. It would be nice if it had an attachment so that I could do the stairs, but the tubes have been used as swords by my boys and the attachments somehow disappeared in the heat of battle.

My other vacuum is a mini that works great on stairs, but it would take a month to vacuum a room with it, plus you’d have to be put in traction after bending over for that long.

The most ironic thing about all of this? My house never looks vacuumed. Next year I’m investing in new, lighter colored carpet rather than another vacuum.